How to Slow a Conversation (and Why You Should Try)
There’s a scene in the movie Inside Out that I love. One character is deeply sad over a loss (yes, that character happens to be an elephant-like imaginary friend named Bing Bong … but that’s not fully relevant here). The character is grieving, and yet there is work to be done. Another character, Joy, tries to push him along, encouraging him to tamp down the sorrow, look on the brighter side, and get on with the task at hand. This, as you might imagine, does not help.
Then along comes the character Sadness. She sees Bing Bong’s grief and sits down beside him. She acknowledges the pain. She lets him cry. If you have two extra minutes, just watch this:
I am continually struck by the beauty of this scene. Sadness makes space for the emotions and experience of her friend. The result is not just that Bing Bong has the time he needs to grieve. It’s also that Bing Bong feels ready to move again.
Here lies a central truth of good conversations: Sometimes, you have to slow the conversation down in order to make any progress.
Slowing the conversation
In the middle of a conversation, we often want desperately to get to the other side. At the office, maybe we’re afraid that going deeper would create more work for ourselves. In our personal lives, if the topic carries tension we feel our emotions rising and just want to plow through. But the instinct to keep going at the same relentless pace can spell trouble.
By rejecting a sense of urgency and instead taking a breath, we give ourselves time to regroup. By slowing down, we let our desire for relationship outweigh our desire to get a task done. We let our desire for connection outweigh our desire to win the argument.
Slowing a conversation gives everyone involved time to feel their emotions, gather their thoughts, shape strong questions, lower blood pressure, and remove distractions that might otherwise prevent a great conversation from taking shape.
How do you know when a conversation needs to be slowed?
The presence of strong emotions is a clear indicator that a conversation can’t move at lightning speed. Bing Bong needed time to face his grief. But other emotions send a “slow down” signal too—if thrills and joy are running extremely high, slow your decision making. If anger is rearing its head, take a break. If your work group is feeling overwhelmed, don’t assume you can move right to tasks without discussing the team dynamic.
High emotions are the clearest signal of a conversation that needs to move slowly. But there’s one more signal that gets overlooked: seriousness. When you stumble on a topic of tremendous significance, a “too big to fail” conversation, take a deep breath before jumping in.
How do you slow a conversation?
Here are some tactics I use:
Acknowledge the emotions that are present.
Name the need, then schedule the conversation for a day or two in the future.
When that’s not possible, call for a 5-minute break to give you (and others) time to refocus.
In groups, ask participants to write down a single sentence that best encapsulates their thinking (or their concerns), then read the sentences aloud.
Divide the conversation into phases. “Tonight, at dinner, let’s talk about what this job change will mean for the budget. Tomorrow we can think about it in terms of the family schedule.”
Change the location of the conversation. In her book on conversations in romantic relationships, Michelle Weiner-Davis suggests that when a conversation grows into an argument, you can relieve tension by changing the location: move from the dining room to the back porch, for example. This is a great tactic for slowing non-tense conversations too. Move the conversation to the car, suggest you talk about it over a walk, or over a working lunch.
Slowing a conversation requires shifting your sense of urgency. For some of us, that can be tough. I’m queen of the to do lists; once an idea is on my mind, I’m eager to tackle it then cross it off with a Sharpie. But important conversations deserve time and should be approached with intention and a healthy mindset. Slowing the conversation allows the topic to unfold gracefully, with all participants in a better frame of mind.
