The Mindset Shift You Need to Get Past a Conflict
My last newsletter introduced Karpman’s drama triangle, which is a useful tool for describing how we often experience tension or conflict at work. The three points of the triangle correspond to three roles: the victim, the villain, and the hero.
Last week, I shared the drama triangle with 100 leaders of a US manufacturing firm. These folks recognized themselves in the drama triangle: as managers, their team members often asked them to play the role of the hero, providing the answers that “rescue” the victim.
And sometimes, several people admitted, they played the victim—blaming others instead of pursuing a solution.
I don’t play the victim. Do I?
None of us want to see ourselves as a victim, and we wouldn’t want to be accused of playing one. But are we? To help our clients identify the moments when they might be living in the drama triangle, we offered these phrases.
“Can you believe we have to do this …”
“The idiots at [HQ, marketing, finance, etc.] …”
“The higher ups are so out of touch with [fill in the blank].”
”I can’t show up differently until she changes.”
“Someone tell me what to do.”
“It’s all his fault.”
Let’s be honest—we’ve ALL uttered some version of those phrases. No one is immune. But these phrases are a good indication that you’re blaming someone else rather than taking responsibility for your share of the situation. You’re looking for someone to deliver the playbook rather than creating it yourself. You're waiting for answers rather than asking how you could influence the direction.
Sometimes, the frustration is justified. Maybe your leaders really are out of touch; maybe uninformed decisions are being made; maybe someone else really is to blame. AND STILL it is our job to solve our own problems. If we want a future that’s different from the present, it’s our job to make it.
The answer to the drama triangle is the empowerment dynamic. Here, we let go of the idea that we’re a victim, and instead we choose to be a creator. We take responsibility and go after solutions rather than waiting for someone else to notice the problem.
“That’s what we need more of,” said the participants in the room. That’s what we ALL need more of.
Catch yourself
This week, catch yourself when you put the blame or responsibility on others. How could you step up instead? As a leader, be aware of when your team asks you to solve their problems, and instead ask, “What do you recommend?”
This awareness is a great way to grow your own leadership, and your team’s. It’s the mindset shift you need to leave the drama behind, and create the future you want.
