Alternatives to “How Are You?”
Let’s be honest: nothing I say is going to convince you to stop asking people how they are. It’s a script we play out with too much frequency to really change. We call these scripts social conventions, and they are so fully grounded in our culture that it would defy expectations and just feel wrong to change it. But the conversation doesn’t have to stop after you get the expected one-word response.
In conversations where the relationships or the results really matter, How are you? may be too limiting.
In Chicago, you have a plastic transit pass, the size of a credit card, that gives you access to busses and trains. Scan that pass, and you can ride from Evanston in the north to the Sox ballpark and beyond on the southside, or from downtown, past the west side where I live, all the way to O’Hare Airport. I think of the question, how are you? as a transit pass. It will get you access to the conversation, but it’s up to you to determine how far you go. You can get on the bus at one block and off at the next; you can ask How are you? and keep on moving. Or, you can take a longer “train ride” by asking other questions, like the open-ended questions we discussed in an earlier post. That keeps the conversation moving and lets you deepen relationships and really learn about your friend, family member, or colleague.
Questions you can ask instead of “How are you?”
On the social media platform X (formerly known as Twitter), writer Ely Kreimendahl offered an alternative to “How are you?”
If “what’s haunting you this week?” feels a little too bleak here are some alternatives:
Tell me one good thing about your day.
Tell me the least exciting thing about your day.
What work is most exciting you this week?
What new ideas are giving you energy lately?
Tell me one thing you’ve learned recently that inspired you.
What is one thing we could do right now to make this (day, project, event) even better?
What’s new in life?
What have you been up to recently?
What’s been on you mind lately?
How’s ___ going?
Tell me something you’ve loved recently – a book, podcast, TV show.
What are you looking forward to this week?
If you had to describe how you’re feeling in terms of a weather report, what’s the forecast?
What’s your experience of ___? (This event, this week, this class, etc.)
What are your favorite alternatives? Do any annoy you? I want to hear it … drop me a note!
