Ask Better Questions by Acknowledging Emotions & Experience
Cliff is a pizza making master. He spent most of the pandemic perfecting his dough recipe and figuring out how to turn our home oven into something resembling a pizza oven. He takes the process seriously.
On Sunday, Cliff decided to make calzones. He started the dough 24 hours in advance so that it could bubble and rise into a yeasty ball of goodness. Then he roasted a pepper on open flames and made a homemade tomato sauce. When you put that kind of effort into dinner, you want it to turn out okay.
Yesterday afternoon, I came through the kitchen just as the oven was preheating. Cliff, covered in flour, looked up from stretching the dough and said, “This dough isn’t working well.”
I should have caught the frustration in his voice and responded with sensitivity. I did not. Instead, I asked my own question about whether something smelled strange in the kitchen. In other words, I asked a question that was more about what was on my mind than what was on his, and in the process I failed at one of my own guidelines for asking better questions: always acknowledge emotions and experience.
Acknowledging emotions and experience
If you want stronger relationships anywhere, or better productivity at work, here is one undeniable truth: your questions will land better if they make space for people’s emotions and experience first.
In a session with a client last week, a manager told a story that illustrated this. She’d just seen the blueprints for an office redesign; her team, which had some specific requirements, had not been consulted on their new facilities. As a result, the blueprints showed a space that would look great but not function well.
There are lots of ways she could have started this conversation with her team, but her approach was particularly thoughtful. She said, “I know it’s frustrating to look at this, because we all know if they’d asked us about our needs we could have saved some time. I feel frustrated by it too. Let’s look at this together—what are the most important changes we need to request?”
See what she did there? She named the dynamic by acknowledging the team’s emotions (frustration) and experience (wasted time). Then she asked the question that needed to be answered.
Imagine if she’d skipped right over the frustration and experience and had only asked what needed to change? I suspect that instead of getting answers, she would have heard complaints that spoke to the overlooked emotions and experiences. By acknowledging them, she helped her team feel seen and heard in their frustration—and that put them into a place of readiness to work.
Examples
We often acknowledge emotions and experience naturally. Doing it more frequently can lead to more effective conversations because it reminds people that they are seen, heard, and appreciated. Here are a few quick examples:
Your boss has just left the organization, which means you have to do his job until a replacement is hired. “I know we were surprised by Todd’s departure. I’m probably not the only one who feels anxious thinking about the months ahead and wondering who will take his place. What questions do you have about the interim?”
It’s spring break week and your teen is ready to crash after a busy season at school. You also need them to tackle a bigger project. “I know it feels great to have a week with no obligations. You’ve been so busy, and you deserve a good break. How can we balance rest and relaxation with SAT prep too? What do you need from me to make that happen?”
Your 8 year-old is competitive and doesn’t like to lose. His soccer team just lost a big match. “It’s really hard to lose. We can feel angry or sad whenever we want something and we don’t get it. I know you might be mad because the goalie didn’t block the ball. How do you think the goalie is feeling right now? What should we do to support him?”
Last week, your team completed a giant project and received rave reviews from the CEO. In this week’s team meeting, you have to focus their attention on a new effort. “I know everyone worked overtime to get the Smith project done. It was incredible, and the results were better than we even hoped for. How can we bring that energy, and all that we’ve learned, to this project?”
Naming the dynamic
Acknowledging emotions and experiences is a way of naming the dynamic—stating clearly what’s happening (not just the facts, but also how we’ve experienced them). Because humans are thinking and feeling creatures, we are more receptive when both our actions and our emotions have been given space in the conversation. We’re more ready to talk when we don’t have to ignore some part of our experience.
I have good news. Sunday’s calzones were amazing, and our conversation recovered because I acknowledged my mistake and gave more thoughtful attention to Cliff’s experience. You can do the same—for better questions that lead to better conversations, acknowledge emotion and experience.
