Improving Your Listening Ability (While Eating M&Ms)
Introducing the M&M Challenge
Can you give your full attention to a single topic for two minutes? Most of us would say yes. Sure. I can. Right?
Wrong, most likely. Here’s how I know—the M&M Challenge.
To participate in the M&M Challenge (and who doesn’t want to participate in any challenge involving candy?), put a single M&M in your mouth and without crunching it, think only of that M&M until it is melted.
Try it now. I predict that about 7 seconds in, you start wondering how long this will take. At 28 seconds, you check the clock. By 1-minute, you’re wondering if crushing is the same as crunching. Could I make this thing disappear faster? And, do I get more M&Ms after this experiment is done?
My repeated research shows it takes about two minutes for an M&M to melt in my mouth, but just a few seconds for my mind to wander. I absolutely cannot give a single topic my full attention for two minutes.
This matters if you want better conversations, because better questions are only part of the equation, which goes something like this:
Better questions
+ active listening
+ thoughtful sharing
= your half of a good conversation
You cannot just skip over the active listening part, but as the M&Ms illustrate, truly giving our focus to a conversation is harder than we’d like.
Improving focused listening
My mind wanders at work. Thirty minutes into a conference call I will realize I haven’t checked email in awhile; there’s a message I’ve been waiting on there, and I get sucked into it. I’m already drafting a reply when I realize someone on the call has asked a question, and the group is waiting for my response.
This happens at home too. “Do you know what you just said yes to?” Cliff once asked me as my kids walked away with smirks on their faces. I’d barely glanced up from my laptop when they came to ask permission for something. And Cliff was right, I had no idea what that something was.
I confess these occurrences so you know I’m as guilty as the rest of you at failing to give my full attention to the people and projects that matter. Presuming you’re guilty too, these three steps might help:
Catch yourself faster. The mind wants what it wants, and rarely does it want concentrated focus. Don’t be too hard on yourself, but learn to catch your wandering mind faster. Bring your attention to your lack of attention.
Start mirroring immediately. Mirroring is the practice of repeating back, in your head, everything the other person is saying. Your brain has the amazing ability to do this while still listening to what is said next. In fact, it helps you listen better. Mirroring helps me cure my inattention.
Get curious about what’s not being said. Deep listening practices help you pay attention to nonverbals, the subtext, and what wasn’t said. So get curious about that stuff. Thinking about the deeper meaning of the conversation, the real motivation behind someone’s comments, or what has been overlooked or gone unmentioned keeps my mind active while still focusing on the listening. I’m not suggesting you be skeptical about what others are saying; I’m suggesting you try to understand the person or topic more fully. Listening deeply means your mind isn’t wandering.
Asking better questions helps us improve the quality of our conversations, and our relationships. But it only works if we listen thoughtfully; for most of us, listening is an underdeveloped ability.
What practices help you focus in conversations? Do you have a tip for active listening? I’m ready to listen.
Photo by Robert Anasch on Unsplash
