Responding to Complaints with Questions (and without Defensiveness)
Have you ever put your heart into something, only to get complaints instead of compliments?
I spent the better part of November working on a keynote speech for the executives of a global firm. My work was thorough, my content was meaningful, and I was prepared.
Then I shared the outline and slides with a few trusted colleagues, and I was surprised by what I heard. They did not share my unqualified enthusiasm for the content, and they had some direct but fair things to say about the design of the slides. This isn’t good enough yet, they suggested.
Gut punch. Right?
For the last year or so, I’ve been working on getting better at receiving feedback. So I made the decision to be a humble learner. I even wrote those words, humble learner, at the top of my notepad before I went into the next meeting with my colleagues. What do you recommend? I asked them.
I’m happy to report that with their help, we knocked that presentation out of the park.
My humble learner approach worked for me, and taught me a valuable lesson that was crystalized just a few weeks later, when I read my friend and colleague Dr. David Schreiner’s new book, Be the Best Part of their Day: Supercharging Communication with Values-Driven Leadership.
Dave is the CEO of KSB Hospital in Dixon, Illinois. Dixon is a small community about 90 minutes west of Chicago; if it sounds familiar, it’s because it was President Reagan’s hometown.
If you’re from Dixon, you know everyone. Which means for Dave, a trip to the grocery store isn’t just checking an errand off the to-do list; it’s an opportunity to see his hospital’s patients and employees.
Somewhere between picking up a carton of eggs and a gallon of milk, Dave is likely to hear about a physician who was running behind schedule, or a billing statement that was confusing.
In the past, Dave says, “if someone came to me complaining that a bill was not itemized properly, and that they were frustrated by red tape, I would have absorbed their criticism and called billing to try to sort it. I’d make some vague reassurances (which I meant). But now it’s different.”
Why is it different? Because Dave has learned to respond to complaints with the attitude of a humble learner, which means asking a sincere question rather than getting defensive or making vague promises.
Now, Dave says, “I listen. I pause. And then I start asking questions like: If the bill looked EXACTLY as you want it to look, describe it to me in vivid detail. What would you like to see on it?”
Asking questions in response to feedback
Dave and I are both trained practitioners of the Appreciative Inquiry methodology, which is an approach to organizational change and leadership development that is grounded in asking collaborative, future-focused questions.
The questions of Appreciative Inquiry are flexible; you can adapt them to fit your context. One of the central questions of the methodology asks us to imagine and describe the ideal—this question is PERFECT for responding to complaints without being defensive. For example:
What content would be in this keynote if it contained the most important messages the audience needs to hear?
If this medical bill was really easy to understand, what information would it include?
See what happens when you ask questions like that? You take a situation where you might feel defensive, and you decide to learn from it instead. The person who brought you the feedback feels respected. And your work gets better because you collaborate—improving it together.
Sincere questions are a wonderful tool for responding to complaints or feedback. They help you defeat defensiveness and be a humble learner. And at least in my case, I can assure you that the results pay off.
Dave’s book is a great resource for leaders in busy organizations who want to be intentional about communicating and connecting with their teams. Check it out.
Photo by Alex Green
