The Romantic Gift of a Great Question
Cliff and I aren’t much for Valentine’s Day. In fact, I think the only Valentine’s Day card I have received from Cliff was covered in hearts but said Happy President’s Day. (We’d been dating for about 2 weeks at the time, and he wanted to keep things casual.) I can’t be bitter about this, as I’m fairly sure I’ve never given him a card on Valentine’s Day either. Our current tradition is to make pink pancakes for our kids.
(Side note: Clearly, no one should hire me as a food stylist.)
We are better about celebrating our anniversary (although not always on the actual day). And maybe it won’t be surprising to know that questions are involved. Specifically, we use the milestone of our anniversary to reflect on the relationship.
Below are three questions for celebrating an anniversary or Valentine’s Day with your partner:
1. High point experience
Think back over the last year (or five years, etc.) and tell me the story of a high point experience with our relationship. When were we really at our best?
What was it about YOU that made that high point possible?
What was it about ME that made that high point possible?
(If you have time, repeat this question with a different timeframe: over the scope of our whole relationship, what are the high points?)
2. Dreams for the future
Now imagine it’s 10 years from now and our relationship is thriving. We’re stronger than ever. We enjoy each other’s presence, we have each other’s back, and we’re having fun. It’s the relationship of our dreams. Tell me about that future as if it’s happening now. What is happening in terms of time together, the way we talk, the way we make decisions, the way we parent or plan, the way we function together? Describe the future in vivid detail.
3. Opportunities to flourish
If that’s the future we want in 10 years, what do we need to do now to make it happen? Share 2-3 specific actions you want us to take to have the relationship of our dreams 10 years from now.
How this worked for us …
Last fall, on our 22nd anniversary, Cliff and I had a long drive. We turned off the podcasts and asked and answered these questions. For the first time, it felt possible to imagine that 10 years from now, we’ll have an empty nest and kids out of college. Our lives will have fundamentally changed, and we want our marriage to thrive as we go through those changes. Describing the future meant thinking how we’d want to fill time in the evenings and on weekends, when our home is two people instead of four.
When we got to Question 3, we realized we needed to cultivate new hobbies and activities, together and separately, to be ready for the future. We brainstormed a list of activities we might enjoy doing together: volunteering at our church’s weekly meal for people who are food insecure, kayaking the Chicago river, working remotely from global cities for a few weeks at a time, investing in friendships with other couples. These anniversary questions are helping us prepare for the future while reminding us (thanks to question one) just how much we enjoy each other.
So, if you’re scrambling for a gift this Valentine’s Day, tell your date that you’re bringing the gift of great questions*, and let me know what you learn.
*It’s not a bad idea to bring a tangible gift too, if that’s your kind of thing.
